Self-Conscious

maybe it's because i have spent way too much time in front of the mirror today- going over each and every beat in my monologues. maybe it's becuase it's already noon and i haven't showered yet because i have been cleaning, organizing and laundrying since 8 this morning, maybe it's the big jammy pants i chose to wear today, maybe it's the lingering thought in the back of my head that screams out as a reminder of my audition this afternoon-- telling me that i am going to be scrutinized... i haven't done this in a while and i forgot what an anxiety attack auditioning is!

but whatever the reason... today i am totally insecure.

i can't stop noticing the increasing fine lines around my eyes, the other chin that has become a constant companion; nestled under the first one, the way my jacket doesn't look right, bulging out where my waist should be. oh and my voice seems to be in permanent state of contralto, my inflections make me sound like i am a boy going through puberty and i sound fake saying the line "there's a dead body in the bedroom" (long story- don't ask).

yesterday i was doing good- i was feeling good- life was good. what happened today? and what's the fix? or is it my mental state of disease as i try to tell myself that this audition doesn't really matter!

OY! well wish me luck today!