Good Morning Miss Anxiety

so as exciting as this new life is and for all the times that i feel like this has been the right decision- i'm anxious dudes. i am. i am filled to the brim with feelings of worry, inadequacy, fear of the unknown and fear that i don't know how i am going to feed myself in the coming months-- all of which i have been stuffed in the bottom crevices of my brain and left for my subconscious to deal with... when i sleep.

i have always been a very descriptive dreamer; very clear and realistic dreams. it's why my parents forbid me to watch scary movies growing up because if i did, inevitably, i wound up on their bedroom floor, living in fear the the mean gremlins would come to eat me.

now that i am an adult, i have more control of my fearful brain than that-- but when it comes to real-life crisis's... it's a whole other ball game! now, every morning at 6:30 on the dot i get to wake up with the new and fresh anxiety-filled dream still coursing through my veins-- HOW FUN!!!

take this morning's dream for example: i had just tried out for a new show and the guy started reading off names from a list, i got a peek of the list and my name was on it, and so i knew he was going to call me and so it wasn't a surprise when he did. but then i got confused about everything that was going on and no one had patience with me and everyone seemed to be wearing this outfit that i didn't know i was supposed to have and no one bothered to explain it to me and i felt ridiculous.

end dream.
open eyes.
look at phone-- 6:33 am
i'm 3 minutes late, this morning
notice the heart pounding
notice the heat my body is emanating
roll over and try for a few more hours of sleep
get up quickly because now my anxiety has invaded my stomach
take several trips to the bathroom before stomach calms a bit
get back in bed a half-hour later in attempt to rest before getting up again

and welcome to my mornings for the past few weeks!

in other great news- the BEAUTIFUL and MOST AMAZING people at Wheelock Family Theater, where i teach, have offered me a job working as their "box office supervisor." if my schedule allows (i.e. if i don't get into LES MIS) then i will start working for them. AND today i will go into the great sports store in harvard square and talk schedule with them... so that i can begin to make money.

but really and truly- let's just hope i hear back from the LES MIS peeps. but if not-- PETER PAN auditions in a few weeks... maybe i can be one of the lost boys or an indian or something!