GOOD and BAD

GOOD: i got word that i can get my driver's license back!

BAD: i lost my social security card and need that to get my license back. oh and i need $100 too!

GOOD: in the month of OCT i have three huge babysitting gigs. gigs = boucoups bucks!

BAD: until then, i have $2 in my wallet and $1.50 left on my charlie card (which allows me to ride on the bus and train) and it costs $1.50 for each leg of the trip.

GOOD: the weather has been really nice making my commute pain-free!

BAD: i dropped my ipod and it broke- no more music on the train- it breaks my heart!!!

GOOD: i have amazing friends who have been so helpful with food, money and rides- i'm so lucky and i really am learning the law of letting people help.

BAD: got some really heartbreaking news from one of my siblings this week. still processing the pain.

GOOD: i got an unexpected raise from the stingy money lady at wheelock- she likes me- she really likes me!

BAD: because of one of the babysitting gigs that will be monetarily plentiful- i won't be able to audition for PETER PAN- i am more sad than i can say.

GOOD: went night swimming in walden pond with friends last night. the moon was full and so beautiful- played a great game of truth or dare (julie i love you more than before)- got freaked out by other people in the woods and ended it all with a drive through lexington in seth's convertible... amazing!


+++

i have been getting so caught up in the hard things lately. the bad things. i'm sad a lot about the downs- but realize that it's not fair to dwell on them and to not count the good. for each BAD i make myself find a GOOD and it's worked out okay. things could always be worse- and it's not like i didn't expect the bad either. i knew that by making this choice i was opening myself up for the bad to try and thwart my plan of being happy in this life.

i had dinner with good friends last night and the missionaries. at the end of dinner, like they always do, they shared a spiritual message- which couldn't have been more perfectly timed. elder sato talked about how moses had gone through the most amazing things like seeing God face to face and knew what he was called to do. only after this experience did satan come in to tempt him. and how interesting it is that satan waited until after the amazing experience to attack.

much like he does with each of us on a daily basis. we are given power and light to move in a certain direction and we know with all of our hearts that it's the right thing to do. then the trials come from the left and right and if we aren't careful we'll start to back down and inch away- just to stay safe.

so it is with all of my effort that i cling to the idea of finding the positive when all i can see is negative. to start counting those blessings- just so i can see that they are really there.

Randoms

- i like my job at the sports store in harvard sq. the people i work with are great and we laugh a lot. since being there i have sold clothes to a man dressed as a woman (yes: skirt, long hair curled, high heels- no make-up), fitted a backpack to a member of the royal family, been involved in a fire alarm emergency, saw a guy steal some stuff and there was nothing to be done about it and started a small crush on a cute dude i work with that won't be eternally fruitful so i have to stay away.

- i also love my job at wheelock. i work with some of the most phenomenal people i have ever met. a good friend of mine heard that i was poor and slipped me $20 to "go play with." i tried to give it back and when she refused i started to cry- i am so taken care of and i feel so blessed. i also learned how to print tickets for each show and now i feel like a big girl! this really is going to be fun.

- i had my first meeting last wed. about the public schools program. i am so very excited about being involved with this. we will have our first meeting with all of the teachers in a few weeks. again, i am working with some amazing people. i can't wait to see what's in store.

- the stress of my life has been manifesting itself in the strangest ways lately. a) i have been having a lot of random dreams about my ex-fiance lately- totally weird. b) i started crying at church for no reason on sunday and when i would finally get composed and i would try to talk to someone- the tears would well up again... totally embarrassing. c) my heart has been palpitating all day today- freaky deaky!

- i found out that i can get my driver's license back today. at least for the time being. the lady on the phone told me that i can go get it and then my court date will be in like 3 months or something and may get taken away again. but YAY for me- some good news at last! in other news, i am still planning on selling my car so i am trying to mentally gear up to ride my bike and walk in the winter... i'm sure there will be more to come regarding these details.

- my parents called to tell me that a "care-package" is on its way. i hung up the phone and began to cry... AGAIN! dude, i am crying a lot these days. anyway- i have amazing parents too. shout out to a mom and a dad who have always taken care of me! i love you guys.

How Far Can You Stretch 40 Smackers???

HA~ i am so proud of myself right now. i am pretty sure the first paycheck comes in this thursdee from job A-- boy oh boy i sure hope it's more than $100!

however, i am pleased to announce that i have been living off the same $40 that i had two weeks ago!

yes, i have more money in my bank account than that- even less since i had to get my car out of the impound- but after that lovely experience i decided to see how far i could stretch the remaining bills in my wallet- which just so happened to be $40. this has been an informative albeit exciting adventure to see how one can really save some dough.

things i have done with my $40:

* gone camping with friend and paid for my dinner and my portion of the campsite (nat i think i still owe you $4 though... or is that ju?)

* filled up my laundry card so that i could clean my clothes

* bought pain reliever

* bought a treat at the theater when i was feeling especially hungry

* took myself to a cheapie movie

thumpity thump thump look at peggy go!

LOSS

and so it goes with every success story- the reality of loss. those moments that push an individual to make a choice- will i give up or will i move forward?

this week has, essentially, been a week of loss.

didn't get the LES MIS gig
lost my saturday morning class due to low enrollment
lost my ability to drive (at least for a while)
lost $300 getting my car back
lost a good friend because there is essential change

i promised i would give you a rundown of the highs and lows... and this is definitely a low. not that i am hopeless- on the contrary- it was HENRY B EYRING of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles that said "you know you are on the right path when it's hard and goes uphill."

so i continue to have faith that what i am doing is right and good. but that doesn't take the bitter sting out of losing things we either want or used to have. it doesn't stop the tears from falling when things are hard or hurt. and so today i give myself permission to cry about some of these things... it's important.

tomorrow will bring new things- for good and bad- i pray that with each shift i will get the strength i need to keep myself in motion. today, i hope you don't care if i stick my thumb in my mouth and cry a little.

Good Morning Miss Anxiety

so as exciting as this new life is and for all the times that i feel like this has been the right decision- i'm anxious dudes. i am. i am filled to the brim with feelings of worry, inadequacy, fear of the unknown and fear that i don't know how i am going to feed myself in the coming months-- all of which i have been stuffed in the bottom crevices of my brain and left for my subconscious to deal with... when i sleep.

i have always been a very descriptive dreamer; very clear and realistic dreams. it's why my parents forbid me to watch scary movies growing up because if i did, inevitably, i wound up on their bedroom floor, living in fear the the mean gremlins would come to eat me.

now that i am an adult, i have more control of my fearful brain than that-- but when it comes to real-life crisis's... it's a whole other ball game! now, every morning at 6:30 on the dot i get to wake up with the new and fresh anxiety-filled dream still coursing through my veins-- HOW FUN!!!

take this morning's dream for example: i had just tried out for a new show and the guy started reading off names from a list, i got a peek of the list and my name was on it, and so i knew he was going to call me and so it wasn't a surprise when he did. but then i got confused about everything that was going on and no one had patience with me and everyone seemed to be wearing this outfit that i didn't know i was supposed to have and no one bothered to explain it to me and i felt ridiculous.

end dream.
open eyes.
look at phone-- 6:33 am
i'm 3 minutes late, this morning
notice the heart pounding
notice the heat my body is emanating
roll over and try for a few more hours of sleep
get up quickly because now my anxiety has invaded my stomach
take several trips to the bathroom before stomach calms a bit
get back in bed a half-hour later in attempt to rest before getting up again

and welcome to my mornings for the past few weeks!

in other great news- the BEAUTIFUL and MOST AMAZING people at Wheelock Family Theater, where i teach, have offered me a job working as their "box office supervisor." if my schedule allows (i.e. if i don't get into LES MIS) then i will start working for them. AND today i will go into the great sports store in harvard square and talk schedule with them... so that i can begin to make money.

but really and truly- let's just hope i hear back from the LES MIS peeps. but if not-- PETER PAN auditions in a few weeks... maybe i can be one of the lost boys or an indian or something!

There Is A Castle On A Cloud...

so i haven't updated y'all. as for ERNEST-- no call back-- no go. but really and truly i wasn't expecting it, so it doesn't even sting.

next up was LES MISERABLES-- which i did today. in a word-- i am THRILLED! i walked into this audition a nervous mess. with the events of this past week (go HERE for the story) swarming through my head and the pressure i put on myself to sound good i was totally and utterly a dork.

LUCKILY, i am blessed with a boston sister who not only drove me to the audition, but coached and supported and said all of the right things in order to make sure i went in with as much confidence as i could muster.

there is this mind game that you play with yourself as you sit outside the audition door. you watch as each nervous auditioner takes his/her place in line, enters the door and then patiently wait to hear the muffled sounds of a piano and singing to start so that you can then begin the neurotic comparison to this person you don't even know. there is danger in this game-- one that will thwart every attempt you make at self-confidence. and let me tell you, you walk into an audition with two things

1- all the talent you have mixed with your preparation and
2- all the self-confidence you can find within you.

this is usually a game in my mind that wins. i'm not a very strong auditioner.

so when i walked through those doors of the room today with a clear head and a bout of happy- go-lucky charisma that surprised even me, i let go of all that nonsense and just had fun!

so i made a joke or two and had the director and the piano player laughing- took my place and started. HE PLAYS THE VIOLIN from the musical 1776 was my selection-- one that showed my range as well as my soprano voice pretty nicely.

dudes- i am pleased to announce, that whether or not i made this show, i did my best- quite possibly better then my best. i was strong and hit every note and finished with a bang!!!! WHOO HOOO!! the director said, and i quote "that was really nice- your voice really plays well on those tops notes- good job." YAYAYAYAY!!!!!

will i make it? who knows. but really even if i don't i can really learn from this experience that i can do this. i will take all of this confidence from this fantastic experience and keep on keepin' on!

Any Progress is Good Progress

so the audition for "erenest" went well. i made a last minute decision to forgo the second monologue (the one i wasn't so sure about) and use the script sides that they had provided. in the long run i felt like this was a wise choice. it gave them a chance to see that i could play the "period."

so the director worked with me a few different ways-- asking me to read the part "young" and then try it again "older." i really think she was seeing where she could put me. it just might be that i am too old to play the younger girl and too young to play the older girl.

all in all i felt really good about my performance and don't really care all that much if i hear back from them-- which i haven't-- but who knows anything can happen in the theater and i was taught early to never question.

AND NOW FOR THE GOODIES

the following 4 things happened today that were both smallish yet put a smile on my face:

1- i did finally hear back from the theater doing LES MISERABLES-- my audition is this sunday at 7pm... welcome to the non-mormon world of doing things on sunday! this is the one i really wanted to do, though. i, of course, would only be in the chorus if i made it- as all of their lead roles are cast through this thing out here called stage source... but it would open some good doors for me and i could use the practice-- i'm a little rusty. ANYWAY i had tried to set up an audition a week ago and hadn't heard from the dude- until today... yip yip!

2- i FINALLY heard from the director of education regarding the public schools thing that i will be doing (if you don't know what this is, don't worry about it... i am sure to be talking about it non-stop once it gets going). my first meeting is in two weeks and i am really thrilled to get going on it.

3- i was contacted by a friend from the theater i teach at and asked to come interview for a part-time box office position. i am so stoked i can't even tell you. two words-- THEATER and FLEXIBILITY. my kind of job!

4- i also had a great interview today at a sporting goods store (i know some peeps that work there) that would allow me to make some moola and still carry my badge of starving artist! AND to make it even better- they put my bike together and taught me how to do it myself-- so i rode my bike home in the sweltering heat-- boo yah!

i can't even tell you guys how awesome this experience has been so far. okay, i know it's only been a week-- ask me about it two months from now-- but seriously, this feels right and it really doesn't get much better than that!

Self-Conscious

maybe it's because i have spent way too much time in front of the mirror today- going over each and every beat in my monologues. maybe it's becuase it's already noon and i haven't showered yet because i have been cleaning, organizing and laundrying since 8 this morning, maybe it's the big jammy pants i chose to wear today, maybe it's the lingering thought in the back of my head that screams out as a reminder of my audition this afternoon-- telling me that i am going to be scrutinized... i haven't done this in a while and i forgot what an anxiety attack auditioning is!

but whatever the reason... today i am totally insecure.

i can't stop noticing the increasing fine lines around my eyes, the other chin that has become a constant companion; nestled under the first one, the way my jacket doesn't look right, bulging out where my waist should be. oh and my voice seems to be in permanent state of contralto, my inflections make me sound like i am a boy going through puberty and i sound fake saying the line "there's a dead body in the bedroom" (long story- don't ask).

yesterday i was doing good- i was feeling good- life was good. what happened today? and what's the fix? or is it my mental state of disease as i try to tell myself that this audition doesn't really matter!

OY! well wish me luck today!

THE MONOLOGUE

so i have an audition tomorrow for "the importance of being erenest." and for this audition i have to come prepared with a 3 min monologue set of one comedy and one dramatic. and of course, i put off preparing for this until this evening. so i did what any great procrastinator would do-- i fell back on something easy that i have already done a million times before. not a biggie.

i was surprised to learn that i remember a lot more than i thought i would and now i get to spend the next 5 hours in front of my mirror looking like a psycho talking to myself as i try to work out the ins and outs of each piece! joy!

sad that i didn't put much more into this than i should have... my comedy mon. is a christopher durang piece and isn't a thing like oscar wilde. oh well.

okay, i will stop there... i'm bored just thinking about this post... i should sleep.

and so it begins...

so i quit my full time job on friday in pursuit of my dream- to live off my talents. possible? i don't know... but it's worth a try, right?

in honor of this adventure, i told my mom that i would keep track of all of the happenings this year brings- the ups, the downs, the successes and the trips to the blood bank to sell mine for money- when it gets tight.

so here goes nothing!

the first real day already feels like a saturday. i wonder when these days will start to feel like work days that i'm not working. i started things off right this week by scheduling 3 auditions for "the importance of being ernest," "a christmas story," and "les miserables." erenest is this week (thursday to be exact) and i am supposed to come prepared with memorized monologues- i haven't touched a monologue in 2 years-- EEK! so it's off to the book store i go to find something worth doing.

i also need new head shots: here are my old ones... pretty good eh?

but i think it's time to spice em up a little. my good friend tim is a photographer and a good one at that... so thursday morning we will attempt to make me AMAZING so i can peddle myself around town.

i also officially start teaching my creative movement/intro to dance class on saturday mornings, the 15th. i am so excited to do some of the amazing things i have come up with for this class! gonna be GREAT!

already feeling a bit productive and very positive about this change- let's see how long i can keep this up!