MAYDAY MAYDAY!

okay so i pretty much just bombed this audition and i am so disappointed.

no, it really was that bad. don't fool yourselves into thinking that i am just being too hard on myself... no reality speaks for itself here... i just plain stunk!

it goes something like this--

my dearest friend and came to pick me up, and was about 15 minutes behind schedule... so i start panicking. nevertheless we get to the theater right on the 9pm dot. okay nothing to worry about. i walk through the doors and see my friend sandy who is one of the stage managers and is manning the audition table- sigh of relief and relax a little. sit down, wait my turn and on we go!

as i walk in i am greeted by jane- rather warmly too, considering the events of my previous post- and as i walk toward the stage, i notice that the previously unnamed director is a friend of mine as well- he and i have been teachers at wheelock together for the past two years... okay this is going to be just fine.

i hand my music to the piano-dude and then take my place front and center to give them all i've got. the piano player gives me the chord and off we go...

wait! what did i just do there? ew that sounded awful and i just cracked... oh crap what am i doing? okay... it's okay keep going... but this sounds so brassy and you aren't supporting it!!! what about your phrasing... shoot i'm almost done and my big finish? no! that didn't come out right at all! okay... shoot now what am i doing? oh that's right- the monologue... deep breath- focus... "so when i was in... {pause} ... well when i was younger... {pause} ... 8" HOLY CRAP what am i saying? that isn't right at all and now where am i??? "the stage-hands... would replace them... and then the crocodile... you know the one that {pause} " shoot what does the crocodile do again... who does he chase? "that chases captain hook" yeah that guy... "well he wasn't real... WAS real and falls off the stage crushing several children in the front row..." OH SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THIS HORRID MESS!!! now where am i? crap i need to say something about wendy- she gets fatter- crap!!! "... she was immobile and had to be taken off with a cart..." am i done yet? can i just be done... {pause} just finish peggy... there's nowhere else to go and you can't find where you are supposed to be... just call it done. "and that is all i have, thank you for your time." {sheepish side glance at the director and jane as i make my way over to the piano to collect my sheet music}

and this is what it looks like when one self-destructs in the middle of an audition!

to be honest i have no idea what got me so off, i just know that i was so NOT focused and looked completely ridiculous and the fact that i was aware of how ridiculous threw me off even more and i was never able to recover.

so here's what's so hard about this experience. unbelievably it's not that an audition like that will probably result in a rejection- i've had those before- and even if i had done wonderfully tonight, i still may be rejected. rejection is just part of this game. really and truly, i am embarrassed about the way i looked to my co-workers and peers today. i know i shouldn't feel like i have to prove myself, but the thing is that i do.

tonight i looked like i was unprepared and one who only fancies themselves an actor. had they seen my work before or at least seen me audition better, they could just chalk this horrid audition up to a bad day or something-- but the fear is that they see a mediocre talent and don't see much potential.

or maybe this is just the fear that lives inside my brain and i am assuming that they see it too- dudes i just need to go to bed and forget all about this little nightmare and pray with all of my heart that when i see jane on tuesday that we just pretend this whole thing never happened.