The Callback

so you've made it this far. people are asking you about the audition and you've told them you made callbacks. their eyebrows raise- impressed and intrigued.

now what do you do? the first audition, in your mind, was a bust. so are you ready... can you get over that whole incident to move forward or are you going to let it throw you?

so jane wants you to read something totally different than the scene you've been studying all weekend- no biggie right? you just go in there and act your heart out. so what that jane seems to be in a grumpy mood today... you march right up on that stage and show them who's diva.

Excuse me???

i'm sorry jane, did i hear you right?
oh, that's what i thought you said.
but how in the world could you have thought that i had a good audition- i forgot all my lines and my song wasn't so hot?
that's so nice
oh, i know you aren't the kind of person to say nice things to people just to be nice... but i just well... i guess i needed to hear that... i just didn't want to look unprepared.
oh... thank you for saying that i am talented... i was beginning to wonder {smile} and you promise i didn't look unprepared.
{sigh of relief}
thanks jane.

ONE WEEK LATER...

oh i'm sorry jane, what was that? {putting the receiver back on the phone}
i'm sorry, having trouble with my hearing since this head cold is raging... i thought you said you wanted to call me back to read for the part of the Older Wendy...
oh you DID say that {flushed}
sure i can make the audition on monday october 29 and i will be prepared to tap dance and juggle penguins if you need me to!
oh, you didn't think that was funny, sorry.
well, yes... thank you jane

{to myself} were we really at the same audition???
who cares- I GOT A CALLBACK!!! YIPPEEE!

MAYDAY MAYDAY!

okay so i pretty much just bombed this audition and i am so disappointed.

no, it really was that bad. don't fool yourselves into thinking that i am just being too hard on myself... no reality speaks for itself here... i just plain stunk!

it goes something like this--

my dearest friend and came to pick me up, and was about 15 minutes behind schedule... so i start panicking. nevertheless we get to the theater right on the 9pm dot. okay nothing to worry about. i walk through the doors and see my friend sandy who is one of the stage managers and is manning the audition table- sigh of relief and relax a little. sit down, wait my turn and on we go!

as i walk in i am greeted by jane- rather warmly too, considering the events of my previous post- and as i walk toward the stage, i notice that the previously unnamed director is a friend of mine as well- he and i have been teachers at wheelock together for the past two years... okay this is going to be just fine.

i hand my music to the piano-dude and then take my place front and center to give them all i've got. the piano player gives me the chord and off we go...

wait! what did i just do there? ew that sounded awful and i just cracked... oh crap what am i doing? okay... it's okay keep going... but this sounds so brassy and you aren't supporting it!!! what about your phrasing... shoot i'm almost done and my big finish? no! that didn't come out right at all! okay... shoot now what am i doing? oh that's right- the monologue... deep breath- focus... "so when i was in... {pause} ... well when i was younger... {pause} ... 8" HOLY CRAP what am i saying? that isn't right at all and now where am i??? "the stage-hands... would replace them... and then the crocodile... you know the one that {pause} " shoot what does the crocodile do again... who does he chase? "that chases captain hook" yeah that guy... "well he wasn't real... WAS real and falls off the stage crushing several children in the front row..." OH SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THIS HORRID MESS!!! now where am i? crap i need to say something about wendy- she gets fatter- crap!!! "... she was immobile and had to be taken off with a cart..." am i done yet? can i just be done... {pause} just finish peggy... there's nowhere else to go and you can't find where you are supposed to be... just call it done. "and that is all i have, thank you for your time." {sheepish side glance at the director and jane as i make my way over to the piano to collect my sheet music}

and this is what it looks like when one self-destructs in the middle of an audition!

to be honest i have no idea what got me so off, i just know that i was so NOT focused and looked completely ridiculous and the fact that i was aware of how ridiculous threw me off even more and i was never able to recover.

so here's what's so hard about this experience. unbelievably it's not that an audition like that will probably result in a rejection- i've had those before- and even if i had done wonderfully tonight, i still may be rejected. rejection is just part of this game. really and truly, i am embarrassed about the way i looked to my co-workers and peers today. i know i shouldn't feel like i have to prove myself, but the thing is that i do.

tonight i looked like i was unprepared and one who only fancies themselves an actor. had they seen my work before or at least seen me audition better, they could just chalk this horrid audition up to a bad day or something-- but the fear is that they see a mediocre talent and don't see much potential.

or maybe this is just the fear that lives inside my brain and i am assuming that they see it too- dudes i just need to go to bed and forget all about this little nightmare and pray with all of my heart that when i see jane on tuesday that we just pretend this whole thing never happened.

PEETAH!!!

here i go again- trying to get into a play and stuff.

this time it's peter pan at wheelock. oh yeah, remember how earlier i said i couldn't go- well with the help of some really amazing people, i am actually making it work! yip yip!

so i work in the box office, right? and my desk is kiddie corner to jane (co-owner of the theater, producer of this show and the kind of person you think hates you but then you find out they don't and it's a total shock). so a few weeks ago, jane was muttering about auditions and i meekly asked for an audition spot. without even glancing at me she began writing my name into the 9pm slot and then with deliberate annunciation of each word said "i can't... guarantee you... a... spot... in the....show." it took me back for a second. i nervously giggled. and quickly touted that i didn't expect preferential treatment and busied myself with paperwork. YIKES!

then just last week, jane was headed to the chiropractor, which just so happened be to down the street from my house and she graciously offered to take me home. just before we took off, a good friend of mine at the theater, who is also jane's lunch buddy, told me about some anti-mormon book that jane had given her to read, just the other day. something about mormons killing indians or something like it. sheesh, as if this woman didn't already intimidate the crap out of me.

on the way home it came out that i was a mormon. this is what took place: (as you read jane talking: imagine that each word is slow and deliberate and a bit hesitated)

JANE: and where did that happen?
ME: in utah, where i grew up.
JANE: you grew up in the land of mormons?
ME: sure did {flash bright smile}
JANE: and are YOU a mormon?
{deep breath, big smile}
ME: i sure am
JANE: and are you a lapse mormon?
ME: oh, i don't know... what is that?
JANE: a mormon who no longer practices
ME: oh no, i tried that and it didn't work out for me- no, i am totally involved
JANE: oh no peggy
ME: uh-oh
JANE: well i have a book that you need to read then
ME: oh... okay but.. (being interrupted by jane)
JANE: but you might be ex-communicated if you do
(slight awkward pause as i gather my thoughts)
ME: actually, i don't think that's true...
JANE: i was just..... kidding

END SCENE

at this point we had reached our destination and as i opened the door i gratefully sucked in the fresh air, turned with big smile and thanked her for the ride.

now auditions are typically old hat for me. i usually get most nervous just right before i enter the room to sing my guts out. but i have to be honest, i'm a nervous nellie now. the rest of the week with jane was fine, she was her typical illusive self and i went about my business and the world still turned. but knowing that this woman despises my spiritual approbation has me all tied up in knots and stuff.

so hopefully i can keep it together enough to do my best- bah- who's jane any way? who cares that she can veto any one she wants for any reason, who cares that she has connections to all the major theaters in the greater boston area???

anyhoo- so i have decided to do something morbidly funny for my audition piece: there is a little monologue in the play 'dentity crisis, by christopher durang where the lead character is telling about this memory she had of someone taking her to see the play "peter pan" and how all these weird things kept happening like wendy getting fatter and fatter and by the 2nd act she was so huge she had to be rolled off the stage and when peter would fly the rope would break and peter would come crashing to the ground dead and they kept replacing the peters and they would crash down too. so we'll see if this choice plays out the way i hope it does.

alright- better go get to work and fine-tune my stuff.